I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I
learned that most people die of natural causes.
Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure
you are removing a weed and not a valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable
The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.
Never take life
seriously. Nobody gets out alive anyway.
There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.
Life is sexually transmitted.
is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
The only difference between a rut and a grave
is the depth.
Some people are like Slinkies. Not really good for anything but you can't help but smile when you
see one tumble down the stairs.
Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday lying in hospitals dying of nothing.
you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to?
Whenever I feel
blue, I start breathing again.
All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal.
Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession . I have come to realize that
it bears a very close resemblance to the first.
How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but
it takes a whole box to start a campfire?
Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think
I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"
Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken
there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes outta it's butt."
If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares,
why is there a song about him?
Why does your OB-GYN leave the room when you get undressed if they are
going to look up there anyway?
Why does Goofy stand erect while Pluto remains on all fours? They're both dogs!
If Wile E. Coyote
had enough money to buy all that Acme crap, why didn't he just buy dinner?
If quizzes are quizzical, what are
If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?
If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?
Why do the Alphabet
song and Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star have the SAME tune?
Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup?
Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he
gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he sticks his head out the window?
Does pushing the elevator
button more than once make it arrive faster?
Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?